An Open Letter to the Pope
Dear the Pope,
Hello your lordship, thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to read my letter (if there was a “ring kissing” emoticon I would have inserted it here). I just had a few questions about Catholicism I was hoping you could clear up.
What happens if I pour holy water in a Brita water filter? Will the little calcified balls that develop in the filter be pure, condensed holy spirit? Can I just throw those away or do I have to do dispose of them in a special way like batteries? Because that’s a pain in the ass. I may even re-think my whole church based water-theft scheme.
If I choke on communion, do I get a free pass to heaven? Because according to you folks that stuff is literally the body of Jesus, so that would be choking on Jesus. I bet he would feel awful bad about that. Unless he knows what’s in my basement. Can he see through concrete? I always forget his powers.
Speaking of that, if the wine you serve in mass is transformed into the blood of Christ through crazy priest incantations, why don’t you buy a shitload of cheap wine at Costco, get a couple priests doing the voo-doo double time and open up a blood transfusion clinic? Think of how many fancy hats you can get with that blood money. It’s like a bottomless collection basket, I’m telling you! Then again, maybe J.C. has a special holy trinity blood type that only his pops and the Holy Ghost share with him.
Can you make it so that confessionals are set up like drive-thrus? I think I would be a lot more likely to confess my sins on a regular basis if I did not have to get out of my car. And instead of the priest giving you like 10 Hail Marys and 2 Our Fathers when you finish, maybe you get fries and a large soda? And also instead of a church it’s an In-N-Out Burger?
One last thing: would you mind testifying on my behalf in court on the 21st? Just tell them we were skeet shooting or something on January 18th. You’re infallible so they will have to believe you. And since everything you speak is the truth, it technically wouldn’t be lying. Please? I can’t cover the plane fare, but after the trial I’ll buy you a beer or something. I mean you own a city, I think you can afford a ticket in coach. Don’t be so fucking cheap. Man, now I don’t even want to have a beer with you.
Thank you again for your time and please don’t send me to hell with one of your enchantments.
